In Today’s Journal
* Chapter 3, Part 3
* Of Interest
Misplaced Modifiers
When you’ve written something that’s meant to be humorous and the reader cracks up laughing, that’s wonderful. But if he busts a gut smack in the middle of a tense scene while reading your murder mystery, high-stakes thriller, or other more somber work, not so much.
Misplaced modifiers are almost always humorous. They will bring a smile, if not a chuckle or an outright belly laugh, to your reader.
Just as most of us can’t help laughing when a buddy slips and falls in mud, most readers can’t help laughing when a writer slips and falls in a misplaced modifier.
The problem is, the reader is laughing at the wrong time. All too often, the writer inadvertently uses a misplaced modifier during a tense, serious scene, so the last thing he wants is for the reader to burst out laughing.
My sometimes sarcastic comments (in parentheses) immediately follow each example below, followed by one way (not the only way) to correct the problem.
Then I urge you to take a moment to repair each passage yourself in your own way. First, write or type the original passage yourself to make it your own. Then fix it. Doing this will help you learn. Take a look:
- Walking into the clubhouse, the cement floor was littered with helmets, mouthpieces, girdles, pads, and protection cups but no coffee container. (Why was the cement floor walking into the clubhouse?)
- Let’s try this: As I walked into the clubhouse, the cement floor….
- Now you try: Did “but no coffee container” make your brain jerk? While you’re repairing the misplaced modifier, maybe address that issue too (an unlike item in a list of like items).
- Looking at each other, Buck replied. (Wait, what?)
- Let’s try this: Assuming this bit of narrative follows a line of dialogue from another person, “Buck replied” followed by his dialogue will suffice.
- Now you try: Do you want the reader to see Buck and whomever else looking at each other? What other fixes might you apply?
- Crossing over the Harlem River and entering Manhattan Island, the buildings became taller…. (Which brings up the age-old question, Why did the buildings cross the Harlem River?)
- Let’s try this: As I crossed over the Harlem River and entered Manhattan Island, the buildings became taller….
- Now you try: And while you’re at it, did the buildings actually become taller or did they only seem taller? (There I go being nitpicky again. Best guess—What will the reader see?)
- With each passing block the wealth increased and I kept thinking, for what purpose. (Wait. You aren’t sure why you kept thinking?)
- Let’s try this: With each passing block, the wealth increased. For what purpose?
- Now you try: Is there a different way to fix this?
- After showering and while shaving my telephone rang…. (Bothersome gadgets, telephones, always using my shower and my razor.)
- Let’s try this: After I showered and while I was shaving, my telephone rang….
- Now you try: Is the sentence still a little clunky? Can you smooth it out?
- Ralph’s head popped up from the menu, stating to everyone…. (This might be all right in a horror novel.)
- Let’s try this: Ralph looked up from the menu and said…. (or just Ralph looked up from the menu with “menu” followed by a period and then whatever he said).
- Now you try: Okay, I gave you two options, but isn’t there a third? A fourth?
- My mother feeds chocolates to her friends with soft centers. (And now we know how her friends got the soft centers.)
- Let’s try this: My mother feeds chocolates with soft centers to her friends.
- Now you try: How would you repair this?
- Wrapped in a Victoria’s Secret magazine, she extracted the entire contents from the mailbox. (I wonder how much that magazine covered.)
- Let’s try this: The contents of the mailbox were wrapped in a Victoria’s Secret magazine.
- Now you try: Ooh, lots of possibilities for this one.
- Facing each other, Ryan began. (Wait, what?)
- Let’s try this: Ryan said….
- Now you try: This is similar to the examples from Buck and Ralph. Give it a shot.
- Seated around a small conference table in the command trailer, Griffin looked at his watch. (Apparently Griffin is a pretty good sized ol’ boy.)
- Let’s try this: Seated at a small conference table (or As they all took seats at a small conference table), Griffin looked at his watch.
- Now you try: Again I gave you two fixes. Are there others?
- After easing into the driveway, the silence aroused her. (Why was the silence out driving around anyway?)
- Let’s try this: After she eased the car into the driveway, the silence aroused her (or she was aroused by the silence).
- Now you try: There are probably several ways to fix this one.
- The information settled in while chewing on a piece of conger eel. (Okay, first, I hate it when the information eats my food. Second, ewww!)
- Let’s try this: The information settled in as I chewed on a piece of conger eel.
- Now you try: First, have you ever eaten “conger eel?” Anyway, fix it. Feel free to change “conger eel” to something else that maybe sounds more palatable.
- Laughing while swapping favorite war stories, the door connecting us to the next rail car noisily opened. (Really? With whom was the door laughing and swapping war stories?)
- Let’s try this: As we laughed while swapping favorite war stories, the door connecting us to the next rail car noisily opened.
- Now you try: After you’ve tried a different fix for the first clause, maybe clean up the second clause a little.
- Now lying on the floor, the crunched cartilage in his nose caused his eyes to tear. (Now that’s rough. The cartilage is lying on the floor, but somehow it’s still causing his eyes to tear?)
- Let’s try this: As he lay on the floor, the crunched cartilage in his nose caused his eyes to tear.
- Now you try: In what other ways could you repair this passage?
That’s probably more than enough to give you the idea.
Misplaced modifiers are always mistakes. They flow out naturally as you’re writing, but you don’t have to let them stand.
You can correct most of them while you’re cycling through what you’ve written, but if you’re prone to writing them, I strongly recommend making at least one self-editing pass. But during that pass, read your work aloud. If you do, you’ll catch problems you won’t catch if you read silently.
Talk with you again tomorrow with The Bradbury Challenge Report and a breather.