In Today’s Journal
* Chapter 4: Human Parts Do Not Have Human Traits
Chapter 4: Human Parts Do Not Have Human Traits
I said early on that becoming aware of the problems and mistakes I’ve listed in this book will improve your writing.
Once most writers become aware of the problems in this particular chapter, they will easily spot and correct them.
In fact, you’ll almost trip over them as you’re writing. As a result, these problems will almost magically disappear from your work.
Human Parts Do Not Have Human Traits
Several years ago, I received an email from a long-time friend. He wondered whether sometimes (maybe) it’s all right for writers to assign human traits to human parts.
The short answer is, No, it isn’t.
Of course, there’s a caveat: You’re the writer and the creator of your fictional world, so you can do whatever you want.
But it’s important to remember there are readers on the other side of the typed page. The wise writer is aware of anything that might run those readers off.
Or, as I put it to my friend, in every case, the writer draws the line in the sand. But also in every case, the reader decides how many lines he can cross before he closes the book and moves on to something else.
To use the example from my friend’s email, say the character is hurriedly viewing a document to discern its importance.
- My friend’s possible solution was to write “If eyes could fly, his flew around the document.”
- My own solution was “He quickly scanned the document for important information.”
For me, it’s important not to risk having the reader “see” the character’s eyes literally flying around the document, and some readers will.
And yes, again, readers will understand what you mean, but why interrupt them in the first place?
My solution also evokes in the reader’s mind (maybe) not only the movement of the character’s eyes—without mentioning them specifically—but also maybe the character grabbing the document and holding it up or bending over it.
It might even evoke small motions of the character’s head as he scans the document. So in some small measure, my solution not only shows the scene, but it evokes a mood. More importantly, it doesn’t risk breaking the mood and tension that’s already established.
Basically, any time any body part is the subject of a sentence, you probably need to recast the sentence.
Only in certain, very specific circumstances can eyes or other body parts do anything at all on their own.
So don’t write stuff like this:
- Close to the window, his ears heard an eerie sound.
- No. Seated close to the window, he heard….
- Her nose (or her palms or her forehead) pressed up against the glass.
- No. She pressed her palms (or forehead) up against the glass.
- Her hands (or hips or butt or forearm) leaned on the rail of the ship.
- No. She leaned against the rail of the ship.
- His hand crept along the back of the seat and eventually made it to her shoulder.
- No. He slipped his hand along the back of the seat and….
- As her left hand held the forestock firmly, her right hand worked the lever on the 30-30.
- No. Holding the forestock firmly with her left hand, she worked the lever on the 30-30 with her right. (If we already know what weapon she’s using, Holding the forestock firmly with her left hand, she worked the lever.)
- As my hands ran past my ears, I felt something in my ear lobes.
- No. As I ran my hands past my ears, ….
- Chloe’s head went up and down.
- No. Chloe nodded.
- Bill’s face broke into a grin that wouldn’t stop.
- No. Bill broke into a grin that wouldn’t stop (or Bill grinned).
- His eyes roamed across the room, stopping at a table with no empty chairs.
- No. His gaze roamed across the room and stopped…. or He looked across the room….
- His face turned deadly silent.
- No. He turned (or fell) deadly silent.
- His long muscular legs effortlessly loped after the bus.
- No. He effortlessly loped on long, muscular legs after the bus (if his physique is important. If it isn’t, He raced after the bus).
- Her eyes slowly climbed the tree.
- No. She looked along the length of the tree.
- Her legs raced frantically down the street.
- No. She raced frantically….
- “A place called Valentino’s,” he said as his eyes touched hers.
- No. He smiled and looked into her eyes. “A place called Valentino’s.”
- His fingers raced through thinning hair.
- No. He ran his fingers through his thinning hair.
That’s enough for today. I’ll be back tomorrow with another special example or two of body parts assuming human traits and then the rest of the chapter.