In Today’s Journal
* My Quote of the Day
* Chapter One, Part 2
* Of Interest
My Quote of the Day
“In the short story or novel, character dialogue equals action. It forces the reader to lean into the story and to participate as an eavesdropper.”
Chapter One, Part 2
What You Want from Readers
The most common comment readers make on my stories is that they feel as if they’re “in the scene” with the characters. That’s what you want from readers. And since the events take care of themselves, that comment is down to the description of the setting and the dialogue.
Setting
When you’ve well-described the setting and action of a scene, you enable readers to see, hear, smell, taste, and feel for themselves—both physically and emotionally—what’s going on in the scene. In turn, they’re drawn even deeper into the story.
When you’ve done a good job in describing the characters and the setting and action of a scene, you’ve cast a complete spell over the readers. It’s called “suspension of disbelief.”
Once readers have suspended their sense of disbelief, they are no longer sitting in a recliner or on the couch with a book on their lap. They’re transported straight into the characters’ world.
They’re flanking your hero, moving along on the outskirts of the scene, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and feeling, physically and emotionally, everything the characters experience.
The good news is, only you can remove that spell. Only you, through author intrusion, can jerk the reader out of the story and plop him back into his recliner or onto his couch. And if you do that, chances are excellent the reader will exit the story, close the book, and find something else to do.
Dialogue
In the short story or novel, dialogue equals action. It forces the reader to lean into the story and to participate as an eavesdropper.
When you allow readers to listen directly to the characters’ conversations—instead of the having the narrator tell the readers what the characters are talking about—the readers are drawn more deeply into the story as eavesdroppers.
Consider, in their role as eavesdroppers, readers are privy to information that even the other characters in the story don’t know. Subliminally, this technique makes the readers feel special and privileged.
Especially if you’ve set the scene with good description, eavesdropping readers might even see themselves as crouched behind some brush just outside the circle of light from a campfire. Or maybe they’re standing in a darkened hallway just around the corner from the living room or bedroom or kitchen where the conversation’s taking place.
Here are a few quick examples.
The odd-numbered items illustrate author intrusion with the intrusion set in italics. The even-numbered items replicate the same scene with no intrusion. Notice how in those, the scene comes to life:
- Intrusion: As she peered past the closet door, she saw a dark figure slip into the room. (Note: “she watched” would be all right because “watched” is an action verb, not a sense verb.)
- No Intrusion: As she peered past the closet door, a dark figure slipped into the room.
- Intrusion: She heard the doorknob turn and the door squeal open.
- No Intrusion: The doorknob turned and the door squealed open.
- Intrusion: She smelled the acrid stench of charred electrical circuits.
- No Intrusion: The acrid stench of charred electrical circuits stung her nose.
- Intrusion: She felt a tingling sensation in her left arm.
- No Intrusion: Her left arm began to tingle (or A tingling sensation worked its way up her arm).
- Intrusion: She sensed the man was drawing nearer.
- No Intrusion: The man was drawing nearer (or The man drew nearer).
- Intrusion: Resolve flooded through her. She knew it would be over soon, one way or the other.
- No Intrusion: Resolve flooded through her. It would be over soon, one way or the other. (Or give this to the character’s unspoken thought: Resolve flooded through her. This will be over soon, one way or the other.)
- Intrusion: Almost halfway up the hill, John knelt beneath a gnarled oak to re-tie his left boot. He rested his right knee on an old, dry branch that had fallen to the muddy field. As he knotted the lace, from beyond the tree came the thunder of hooves. He frowned, straightened, and peered past the tree, and his eyebrows arched. He could see Three, six, ten riders, topping over the hill.
- No Intrusion: Almost halfway up the hill, John knelt beneath a gnarled oak to re-tie his left boot. He rested his right knee on an old, dry branch that had fallen to the muddy field. As he knotted the lace, from beyond the tree came the thunder of hooves. He frowned, straightened, and peered past the tree, and his eyebrows arched. Riders. Three, six, ten riders, topping over the hill.
- Intrusion: She had to admit, it was time to take action.
- No Intrusion: It was time to take action. (Or give this to the character’s unspoken thought: It’s time to take action.)
As you can see from the examples, you can usually correct the sense-verb intrusion problem by simply removing the verb or by changing it to an action verb.
An Aside on Verb Tense
Also notice that when you give the example over to the character’s unspoken thought, it shifts from past tense (the natural voice of narrative) to present tense (the natural voice of unspoken thought).
This is why I don’t personally use italics to indicate unspoken thought. The reader can tell the character’s unspoken thought by the verb tense without the annoyance (for some readers) of italics.
Present-tense narrative sounds like stage direction, mostly because that’s its primary use:
- I crossed the street (or in third-person. She crossed the street) is past tense, the natural voice of narrative and the natural voice of storytelling.
- I cross the street (or in third-person, She crosses the street) is present tense, most commonly used by screenwriters and playwrights in stage direction.
But remember, the audience members for a stage play or screenplay never see those words. Instead, they see the actors doing what the writer said to do in his stage direction. So in a literary form that’s meant to be read instead of acted—a short story, novella, or novel—you should use the first example above as your pattern and write in past tense.
That said, I’m painfully aware that some fictionists prefer to write narrative in first- or third-person present tense. Some of them believe, owing to horrible advice from bad writing instructors, that doing so makes the work seem more “immediate.” I have yet to find even one proponent of the technique who can explain what they mean by that.
As I noted above, past tense is the natural voice of narrative and storytelling. In fact, most writers who set out to write a story or novel in present-tense narrative will soon catch themselves slipping back into past tense. So if you choose to write in present tense, be watchful for that.
Still, it’s your work, so you do you. But either way, just describe the scene, don’t intrude to comment on it.
Back tomorrow with the Bradbury Challenge and—if I get any good comments on this—maybe some final notes on Chapter One. Talk with you then.
Of Interest
Dr. Mardy’s Quotes of the Week: Critics & Criticism