The Sequence of Description, Part 1

In Today’s Journal

* Quote of the Day
* The Sequence of Description, Part 1
* WRITING BETTER FICTION FLASH SALE!
* Of Interest
* The Numbers

The Sequence of Description, Part 1

Maybe more next-level stuff.

Yesterday as I cycled through the previous day’s writing, it dawned on me that some fiction writers have problems with describing characters or settings in the right sequence.

By “the right sequence,” I mean the sequence in which the POV character observes or takes-in the setting or other character (especially on a first, much-anticipated meeting).

I first taught this stuff back in the late 1990s in a days-long writer’s retreat on Observation. We even delved into the metaphysical aspects. Great fun. So this is basically a very quick overview.

Consider the following brief passage:

When I opened the door, a trim, pretty young woman was standing there. Probably early 30s, maybe 5’6”, with short, sandy-blond hair and grey-blue eyes.

Above white leather thong sandals and pink toenails, she wore a green-grey dress. The hem hit just above her knees, was covered with intertwining green vines, and had quarter-length sleeves. From the vines sprouted tiny, understated leaves and small pink flowers.

A small grey zippered bag dangled from her left hand.

I smiled. “Roberta?”

Consider the POV character’s observation of Roberta.

I’ll throw some other stuff into this segment, but this is primarily about writing description in the sequence that it actually happened.

And it’s about Taking Your Time to describe what the POV character took in (what was important to the POV character).

• Sequence is important because you want to lead the reader through the observation as it actually happened.
• Taking your time is important because you want the reader to focus down and be pulled deeper into the story.

For more on Taking Your Time, visit the Journal website and key that phrase into the Search block in the sidebar.

When we observe others casually, most of us note the more important aspect(s) (to us) first. So “trim, pretty, young” is this POV character’s first impression.

Then he doubles-down on that impression with a thought about her age (an obsessive/compulsive kind of hobby he indulges in), then her height, hair and eyes.

There. The first impression is a wrap.

From there, he continues his observation to satisfy his secondary concerns. Notice that he starts at the feet and works his way up. And notice in particular

• the sequence (leading the reader) and
• the level of detail (taking your time, forcing the reader to focus down).

Almost as an afterthought, the POV character finally notices the small grey zippered bag. So what Roberta was carrying is only of tertiary concern to the POV character.

Note that when we observe others casually in ‘real’ life, like the POV character we get that snapshot first impression first.

That boils down to gauging whether the other is a threat or no threat and assigning the stereotype of the other.

(Yes, when anyone encounters anyone else for the first time, they automatically and subconsciously assign threat/no threat and a stereotype to that person. It isn’t your fault. Blame the lizard brain.)

After that, if we do not perceive a threat, most of us begin either at the feet and work our way up or we begin at the hair or eyes and work our way down.

But note too that I wrote “observe others casually” above.

If we DO perceive a threat, our observation is different, more panicked and ‘jerky.’

Even as the fight-or-flight response is kicking in (cold sweat, wide eyes, dilated pupils, etc.), we tend to focus on either the hands (where the threat usually resides) or eyes (where the intent resides) first.

Of course, all of that (in a casual observation or otherwise), happens in a flash. It takes much longer for you, the story writer, to write the observation accurately.

Take your time. Lead the reader to where you want him to go and make him focus down.

This also goes to a larger intention: How the POV character observes and perceives another character and his opinions of that character usually also subliminally reveals something about the POV character’s personality.

Hope this helps. I welcome questions or comments.

WRITING BETTER FICTION FLASH SALE!

My book Writing Better Fiction has pretty much everything you need to write excellent fiction.

Four days left. Through Sunday, March 16 at 5 p.m. (MST) you can get Writing Better Fiction for 30% off (under $10.00).

• To get this deal,
  1. Visit the Writing Better Fiction page.
  2. During checkout add coupon code VCP2YKDNDD.

The Numbers

The Journal…………………………… 750

Writing of Blackwell Ops 39: More Paul Stone

Day 1…… 2789 words. To date…… 2789
Day 2…… 3308 words. To date…… 6097
Day 3…… 2019 words. To date…… 8116
Day 4…… 4404 words. To date…… 12520
Day 5…… 3598 words. To date…… 16118
Day 6…… 4106 words. To date…… 20224
Day 7…… 3421 words. To date…… 23645
Day 8…… 2418 words. To date…… 26063

Fiction for March…………………….. 37572
Fiction for 2025………………………. 223403
Nonfiction for March………………….. 11690
Nonfiction for 2025…………………… 65620
2025 consumable words…………….. 282513

Average Fiction WPD (March)……… 3131

2025 Novels to Date…………………….. 5
2025 Novellas to Date…………………… 0
2025 Short Stories to Date……………… 11
Novels (since Oct 19, 2014)…………….. 109
Novellas (since Nov 1, 2015)…………… 10
Short stories (since Apr 15, 2014)……… 281
Short story collections……………………. 29

Disclaimer: Whatever you believe, unreasoning fear and the myths that outlining, revising, and rewriting will make your work better are lies. They will always slow your progress as a writer or stop you cold. I will never teach the myths on this blog.

Writing fiction should never be something that stresses you out. It should be fun. On this blog I teach Writing Into the Dark and adherence to Heinlein’s Rules. Because of WITD and because I endeavor to follow those Rules I am a prolific professional fiction writer. You can be too.

If you are able, please support TNDJ with a paid subscription. Thank you!

If you’re new to TNDJ, you might want to check out these links:

• On Writing Fiction
• Gifts
• Writing Resources
• Oh, and here’s My Bio. It’s always a good idea to vet the expertise of people who are giving you advice.

Questions are always welcome at harveystanbrough@gmail.com. But please limit yourself to the topics of writing and publishing.