In Today’s Journal
* The Sequence of Description, Part 2
* Still Offering
* Of Interest
* The Numbers
The Sequence of Description, Part 2
To round out the discussion from yesterday, I wanted to present the “rest of the story,” the culmination of the mini-scene I presented in the excerpt yesterday.
By way of background, the POV character is Paul Stone, a Blackwell Ops operative. Roberta is his on-the-ground contact. She works for the same company. She’s there primarily to deliver a Colt semiautomatic pistol to him.
Here’s the short opening of the scene:
When I opened the door, a trim, pretty young woman was standing there. Probably early 30s, maybe 5’6”, with short, sandy-blond hair and grey-blue eyes.
Above white leather thong sandals and pink toenails, she wore a green-grey dress. The hem hit just above her knees, was covered with intertwining green vines, and had quarter-length sleeves. From the vines sprouted tiny, understated leaves and small pink flowers.
A small grey zippered bag dangled from her left hand.
I smiled. “Roberta?”
Here’s the rest of the mini-scene:
She only glanced up at me, canted her head slightly, and flashed a pretty but slanted smile. “That’s me. Paul, right?”
I nodded. “Right.” I stepped back and gestured. “Please, come in. And thanks for coming.”
As she stepped past me, I closed the door and threw the deadbolt.
She chuckled nervously. “Believe me, I’m glad to be here. Thank you for saying I could come over a little early.”
As I turned around, her gaze started at my boots and worked its way up.
I smiled. “No problem at all.” I gestured. “So, you want to have a sea—”
She gasped and dropped the little bag. Her eyes went wide, her gaze riveted on my face.
Ah, the scars.
I closed my eyes, opened them, smiled.
She quickly averted her gaze and crouched to pick up her bag. “I’m so sorry. That was clumsy of me.”
Quietly, I said, “It’s okay. I should have said something on the phone.” I shrugged. “I forget the scars are there.”
As she straightened, she took a step toward me and shook her head. “They aren’t that bad. And I am sorry. I was just surprised.”
I shrugged. “Like I said, it’s okay. I’ve had them a long time.” I hesitated. “Anyway, could I have the Colt please? And if you still want to talk—”
“Of course I still want to talk.” She frowned as she passed me the little grey bag. “God, I’m not that shallow.” She paused, bit her bottom lip, and emitted one of those quiet little groans. “Paul, could we just start over please?”
I smiled. “Sure.” I gestured again. “Please, sit anywhere.” I stepped past her and went to sit at the far end of the couch.
There’s a lot going on here.
First, notice everything’s still from the POV character. Everything is his perception.
Second, notice the hints about the personality of each character (again, through the POV character’s perception). Those are delivered not only in the description but in each character’s part of the dialogue.
Note too how ‘tentative’ each character seems in the second excerpt as compared with how apparently open they were when the scene began.
A writer commented on yesterday’s TNDJ:
“Interesting…. I would think in addition to the order of observations, the pacing would probably be presented differently by a character who is panicking as opposed to one who is making relaxed observations.”
The pacing, definitely. In high-tension situations, we in ‘real’ life (and the POV character in the story) notice details about the setting/other character in panicked, more jerky ‘movements.’
Therefore the description is provided in short, terse sentences or sentence fragments and often even set aside in their own series of short, terse paragraphs.
Sometime in 2024 (I think, or maybe 2023) I described a fight scene. If you search for ‘fight scene’ in the Journal archive PDFs (or in the Search box at the Journal website) you’ll find it.
As a test, I performed that search too. Click
- Writing High-Action Scenes (also note the bit on ‘attention shifts’) and
- On Pacing and Paragraphing
And if you download the free Journal archives and do that search yourself, you’ll find many more posts referencing pacing.
Still Offering
Blackwell Ops 10 prologue and Chapter 1 in PDF as an example of how to deal with switching points of view.
Email me at harveystanbrough@gmail.com with Example in the subject line.
Of Interest
Writing Action Scenes (Thanks, Carrie.)
Write Emotional Scenes that Better Engage Readers Note: I didn’t vet this.
7 Ways to Make More Money as a Pulp Fiction Writer
The Numbers
The Journal…………………………… 680
Writing of Blackwell Ops 39: More Paul Stone
Day 1…… 2789 words. To date…… 2789
Day 2…… 3308 words. To date…… 6097
Day 3…… 2019 words. To date…… 8116
Day 4…… 4404 words. To date…… 12520
Day 5…… 3598 words. To date…… 16118
Day 6…… 4106 words. To date…… 20224
Day 7…… 3421 words. To date…… 23645
Day 8…… 2418 words. To date…… 26063
Day 9…… 2758 words. To date…… 28821
Fiction for March…………………….. 40330
Fiction for 2025………………………. 226161
Nonfiction for March………………….. 12370
Nonfiction for 2025…………………… 66300
2025 consumable words…………….. 285951
Average Fiction WPD (March)……… 3102
2025 Novels to Date…………………….. 5
2025 Novellas to Date…………………… 0
2025 Short Stories to Date……………… 11
Novels (since Oct 19, 2014)…………….. 109
Novellas (since Nov 1, 2015)…………… 10
Short stories (since Apr 15, 2014)……… 281
Short story collections……………………. 29
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