Hey Folks,
Well, I’m a little under the weather today. Blah.
New Quote of the Day:
“Like all great travellers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen.” ~ Benjamin Disraeli
Isn’t that what we, as fictionists, do? Remember more than we’ve seen?
***
Topic: He Knew
Anytime I see that phrase in a book (or “she knew” or “they knew”) it jerks me straight out of the story. It ruins the story for me and shatters any suspension of disbelief.
That phrase is a direct result of the author’s voice coming through the work. Not the authorial voice — the way the writer writes, the way he or she turns a phrase — but the actual author’s voice.
It’s intrusive. It’s the author wagging a finger at the reader, telling her something she can learn on her own. Don’t tell me “he knew”; let me see why he knew.
Here’s an excerpt I received via email recently. I won’t divulge the name of the author or the title of the book. I’ll say only that the excerpt is derived from a thriller/espionage series novel. My intent is not to embarrass the writer, but to use this as an example of what not to do:
She stumbled into the bathroom and shut the door behind herself. A moment later, Noah heard the shower begin to run.
He rose from the bed and began laying out clothes for himself and Sarah. He knew that she liked it when he chose her clothing and so he tried to do it every day when they were not on mission. This would be the last chance for a while, he was sure, so he decided to make it count. When she came out a few moments later and found the low-cut blouse and short skirt he had selected, she stared at him as he walked past her into the bathroom, but then put them on.
Now here’s how I would have written the same scene. Notice that I’ve also reparagraphed it to improve the pacing and flow:
Sarah kissed Noah on the cheek, then smiled softly. “I’m going to get a shower. Will you pick out what you’d like me to wear?”
Yes, he would. Of course he would. She didn’t like to select her own clothing, so he tried to do it every day when they were not on a mission.
He watched as she went into the bathroom and shut the door. A moment later, the sound of the shower filtered out.
He rose from the bed, went to the closet, then the dresser and made his selections. This might be the last chance for a while, so he would make it count.
She came out a few moments later. A low-cut white peasant blouse and a short rose skirt were draped neatly over the back of the chair. On top was a trim pair of rose panties. Perfect.
As he moved past her into the bathroom, she glanced at him and smiled again. The door closed and she began putting them on.
When the author/narrator uses emotional or physical sense verbs (knew, thought, felt, saw, heard, smelled, tasted) he overreaches.
The original passage is 116 words. My scene is 168 words. Which is more interesting and reveals more about the characters?
And that’s about all the writing I’m going to do today.
Talk with you again soon.
Of Interest
See “Missing” at https://killzoneblog.com/2018/12/missing-2.html.
Fiction Words: XXXX
Nonfiction Words: 580 (Journal)
So total words for the day: 580
Writing of Dread (novel, tentative title)
Day 10… 2798 words. Total words to date…… 30745
Day 11… 1738 words. Total words to date…… 32483
Day 12… 1054 words. Total words to date…… 33537
Day 13… XXXX words. Total words to date…… XXXXX
Total fiction words for the month……… XXXXX
Total fiction words for the year………… 458683
Total nonfiction words for the month… 580
Total nonfiction words for the year…… 172266
Total words for the year (fiction and this blog)…… 630699
Calendar Year 2018 Novels to Date………………………… 9
Calenday Year 2018 Novellas to Date…………………… 3
Calendar Year 2018 Short Stories to Date……… 11
Novels (since Oct 19, 2014)………………………………………… 35
Novellas (since Nov 1, 2015)……………………………………… 7
Short stories (since Apr 15, 2014)……………………… 193
Short story collections…………………………………………………… 31
Note: This Journal and my Pro-Writers blog will always be free and are funded only by your gracious contributions. To make a one-time donation, click the Donate button under the clock at the top of the Journal page. If you’d like to become a patron, click Patronagehttp://harveystanbrough.com/be-a-patron/ and have a look at the rewards. If you can’t make a monetary donation, please consider sharing this post with your friends. Thanks!